I stumbled upon this letter which I wrote for my biological mother a few years ago. Reading back over it, I found myself chuckling. It’s not often I can look back at something I made and say that I was proud of it, so I’ve decided to share it here. Maybe someone else will find it amusing too.
Birthday Wishes and whatnot
Mother has gained a level!
+3 Aged and Experienced
-11 Decorum
+5 Wisecrackery
+6 Daydreaming
-2 Gracious Defeats
-1 Reactions
Mother has learned ‘Back in my day’ and ‘Whippersnapper’!
Mother can now use ‘Zimmer’ and ‘Nondescript Cane’!
I jest, I jest. I know you’d never use whippersnapper in serious conversation or otherwise. But I digress!
So, another year has come and gone, huh? You’re still here, kicking and screaming, which is always good, even if you are a bit of a pain in the arse. Hey, I’m an upstanding fellow; all mothers, however bothersome, are tolerated! So you need not fear. There’s a lovely little spot in the retirement home that’s not going away any time soon, right by the window, so you can gurn at passer-bys.
Oh I am such the merry joker! What luck you are blessed with to spawn a wiseassed trickster such as I! And yet the digression continues! I hope that you have a wonderful birthday. The £40 of HARD EARNED CASH I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW which you’ll no doubt evade like it bears the black plague may be spent however you see fit. Yes, that means you can go out and buy yet another pair of shoes with them. Dear god, you are like Sarah-Jessica Parker, except with hillwalking boots and trainers instead of high-heels.
… Anyhoo, I composed the MERRY DITTY you see below. I hope it is to your liking!
A Tale of Two Lessies
By Craig McAuley, aged 17 and 362/365
Oh mother, thou art so weird and yet wise,
Funny wee quips and crazy, mad eyes,
My life has been interesting, to say quite the least,
Always I have to contend with the beast
Of innuendo and double entendres which are
Too prolific to count, too common to scar.
Yet fruit bowls abundant, I live without care,
I’ve grown up quite well, thanks to you pair.
As the night rolls around, your mind is so smitten,
With fancy mittens and a ridiculous kitten,
Kettles brim with exotic teas,
A puppy or two mooches ‘tween your two knees.
A biscuit goes maw-ward, a look and a glare,
From Fluke, with her irritable, accusatory stare.
“Those dogs are spoiled rotten” she says in disdain,
“Oh christ, not again” as she acts like a pain.
A cushion is proffered, with an innocent smile,
Argentina v Brazil, won’t you play for a while?
Fun contest soon descends into absolute madness,
As poor Andrés Iniesta collapses in sadness.
The competition with great haste grows fierce,
As each of us desperately attempt to pierce
One another’s defences, with little obvious luck.
Successful blocks are punctuated with “FUCK!”
A dinner of Spag BoL (which my Dad still makes better)
Arrives on my lap along with a letter.
It says ‘Kisses muah muah’ and I do accept,
For never a night have I successfully slept
Without a peck on the cheek and a ‘Goodnight, sleep well’
From the abominable duo that were spawned from hell.
But I love you both dearly despite any flaws
(As specified in Part I of my Motherly Clause)
Kisses, darling! Muah muah muah!
Nancy~ xxx
Craig "Nancy" McAuley 